First allow me to apologise for the lengthy absence. This is difficult. But as our former governor once said: "I 'm back!"
Since my first blog submission many things have happened.
- Many people wrote or called me with support!
- I have lost then gained back all kinds of weight.
- My lousy sleep pattern has worsened.
- The cramping in my legs has been going on for almost two weeks.
- My right leg/knee is clearly having its last hoorah...is going out.
Tuesday, 9AM, November 15 ...The Big Freeze
My legs froze up last night. It was awful. I only slept 3 hours.
Wednesday, November 16 - This Feels So Bad....So Unsafe
It is 3:03 AM. I have been unable to get out of my chair since 9 PM when the muscles in my legs began to cramp & freeze up. And last night I slept only 2 hours, so I am exhausted. This muscle cramping & my subsequent inability to stand when it comes on is awful, just awful. I know that if I could only stand I would be fine....the cramping would subside. But when I attempt to stand the pain becomes unbearable. So I must wait for the cramping to let up. Tonight I have been waiting for 6 hours.
Tonight I settled into my chair (I can no longer sleep in my bed) without keeping any medication next to me. I can only meditate my muscles into a relaxed state! About three times now I have almost fallen out of my chair when I suddenly began to fall asleep. I keep the television on to stay awake. You see, I am afraid to fall asleep because I now understand that after I have slept, my leg muscles will be in a severe cramped & frozen state. Excruciating pain occurs when I attempt to move. So I must keep my lower body completely still. I wonder how this is going to end tonight. I am frightened, uncomfortable... & very tired.
Thursday, 11/17 – 9AM ….
Last night I had no sleep - -none. Something is going to have to change. I cannot go on with such minimal sleep. My legs are deformed.....clogged with water. I now feel sure that that is why I am having so much pain. So I vow to be more careful & to always take my water pills.
I just learned that my health care coverage premium is going up in cost to $280.00 a month. I don't think so! (One more thing to contend with!)
Today however I am encouraged. All of this discomfort and sudden cramping, yet she is encouraged....Why is that you may ask?
Well, I am looking at the small victories that I had today...the "ah ha" moments that will help me move towards regaining my health. Let me share with you something that I heard the other day that I think is absolutely spot on:
All of the time your life is speaking to you--you just need to listen.
Well, I am listening – to myself, to you & to what I hear is hope. Even as I cry out in pain I also take tiny steps & I see some bits of forward movement.
Speaking of hope, I want to share with you something that I wrote.
After a lot of confusion & after changing my mind several times I ended up in a job that was a perfect fit. In this job I worked with people from all economic backgrounds. I had always believed that hope was essential to success. But I learned that if you were poor to begin with hope may not be one of your strengths.
I recently had a flashback to a date I was on in high school. I remember the smell most of all. Although I did not know what it was back then, I recognize now that it was the smell of poverty. He was introducing me to his home. Not that he took me inside. He did not. We just sat in his car in his family's driveway. His house was small...with no grass around it or even nearby, just dirt. And I was confused because of the strange smell.
Windows of hope rarely open. There are no doors to walk through. No music exists to sustain or to nurture..... There are few choices where poverty exists. Poverty allows for little sense of hopefulness. Sometimes people who live in poverty do not always realize that the smell of a rose or the beauty of a first snow belongs to every one of us. Those experiences are unavailable to them because they live so far behind the sad broken wall of poverty & its sense of hopelessness.
When I was young & saw the sun peaking through the clouds after a rain, or when I heard a tune or saw a color that moved me, my heart would open up to the idea of possibility. Just as the message in the film "Shawshank Redemption" was to not give up on the idea of having hope in your life, I learned how to hang on to hopefulness. To get out of the jaws of poverty there are many things that are needed & I believe that one of these things is remembering the color, smell, or tune that at one time brought about a sense of Hopefulness. I believe we must remember & then we must hang on to that vision of hope.
Hope is essential to our well-being, our health, our spiritual lives & our happiness.
In Peace, Justice & always with Hope,
Kristina Peterson
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